The Art of Balancing Compassion with Assertiveness for Authentic Connections

Life has a way of yanking us in a hundred directions, making the balance between assertiveness and empathy feel like walking a tightrope. Have you ever considered the risks of being too assertive or too empathetic? Leaning too far into people-pleasing, or, on the flip side, coming off as cold or disconnected...it can feel like a type of mental-emotional gymnastics. But there’s a middle path, a way to stand firmly in your truth while honoring the complexity of others—something I call stratified empathy©. Think of it as a way to approach life’s many layers with both kindness and strength, a means to understand others deeply while staying true to yourself. (My full definition is at the end of the blog below).

What Is Stratified Empathy?

Stratified empathy recognizes that empathy isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach. It acknowledges the need for a deeper understanding that adapts to each unique situation and individual. It makes me think back to 12 years ago standing inside St. Peter's Basilica, gazing up at the dome that soars above. From the floor, I thought I was seeing a breathtaking fresco—a hand painted wonder of divine scenes. For me, the real magic happened when I took the tour and climbed up. As I made my way through the winding, narrow passages, the artwork that seemed so smooth and perfect from below changed before my eyes and told me the truth.

As I reached the gallery inside the dome, I realized what I thought was a painted fresco is actually a meticulously crafted mosaic. Each image, from Christ the Redeemer to the evangelists, is composed of thousands of tiny, carefully placed tiles. The medallions of the four evangelists and the many angels surrounding Christ, take on a fantastically new level of awe. My appreciation for the level of detail and artistry grew with each tiny tile I saw. All details I couldn’t discern from the basilica’s floor​ were overwhelming up close. My imagination reeled back to the past and what it must have been like to imagine the image, plan out the tiles, build scaffolding and have the patience to place each minute, tile. What if you dropped one? What if it was the last one of that color?

This moment of recognition—seeing up close what was once a distant image—encapsulates the essence of stratified empathy. From afar, what we see of others can look like a single, unified picture, but as you step closer, each small detail, each unique piece of the whole, tells you more. You start to appreciate how each experience, emotion, and perspective contributes to a larger story, much like how each tile plays its role in the grandeur of the dome. It’s a reminder that there’s depth beneath every surface, and understanding that depth can change how we perceive the whole.

The tour inside the cupola also illustrates the importance of perspective. Just as you might admire the view from the floor, it’s the journey upward that reveals the intricate craftsmanship behind it. This is similar to how we can understand others—not just by looking from a distance but by getting closer, by acknowledging the layers that make up their stories. It teaches us that empathy requires seeing both the big picture and the details, allowing us to stand firmly in our own experience while recognizing the many layers of others'.

Stratified empathy, much like the journey up to St. Peter's cupola, invites us to appreciate both the sweeping view and the finer details, helping us understand the beauty in the complex mosaic of human interactions. It’s an honor to learn the whole story without overlooking the significance of each individual piece, just like a tour improves one's admiration of stunning dome above Vatican City. The recognition of the detailed uniqueness of your peers, and yourself, can grow and that growth encourages awe. (My full definition is at the end of the blog below)

Imagine it like this: empathy at its surface level often means feeling with others—sensing their pain, their joy, their struggles. But go deeper, and you start to see the structures underneath. You see the layers of why people behave the way they do, influenced by their histories, their environments, and their internal narratives. There's no requirement to excuse harmful behaviors or be overly understanding to the point of losing yourself. However, seeing the system behind the emotion—both theirs and yours, allows a depth of care and understanding to gracefully fill your body with wisdom and naturally improve how you respond.

Why Stratified Empathy Matters in Everyday Life

In our daily lives, this approach can be a game-changer. That colleague who seems defensive, is now a father who's infant is in the hospital while he is in client meetings. See how his defensiveness was not appropriate to take personally? When your partner snaps over something seemingly small, their frustration is likely about more than merely dishes in the sink. Maybe their thoughts were taken back to a tragic event in their memory because of a line in the song Alexa just played. Stratified empathy allows you to be assertive—communicating your needs clearly and confidently—without feeling like you’re steamrolling someone else’s emotions.

A study published in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that individuals who practice perspective-taking—the ability to see a situation from another’s viewpoint—were better able to manage interpersonal conflicts. But here’s the twist: those who paired this with a strong sense of self-awareness had better outcomes than those who just tried to empathize alone. That’s the heart of stratified empathy—layering your understanding of others with a firm grasp of your own needs and boundaries.

How to Apply Stratified Empathy Without Losing Yourself

1. Start with Systems Thinking: Get objective. I call it "taking a giant step back." Think about interactions like you’d think about a system you're familiar with. Where would I go for a root canal, the dentist or the podiatrist? Instead of getting swept up in the heat of a moment, take a step back and ask yourself, “Why would someone do something that does not make sense to me?” For example, if a team member seems resistant to feedback, consider the dynamics at play. Are they feeling insecure about their role? Is there a bigger issue that hasn’t been addressed? Recognizing these layers helps you respond more thoughtfully—acknowledging their perspective while being able to explain yourself clearly and "hold your ground".

   
   

2. Name What You’re Feeling and Why: You can’t practice empathy for others if you’re not tuned into your own experience. Before entering a tough conversation, take a moment to ask yourself what you’re feeling. Are you frustrated? Nervous? Excited? Naming it and understanding it first gives you a chance to manage your own emotional landscape, so you don’t get swept up in someone else’s. And when you name what’s behind it—like, “I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m not being heard”—it gives you the clarity to address the issue directly. Your response might change from "You know I hate it when you do that!" to "Kiddo, I've had a hard day and I'm tired. Also, do you remember when I asked you to (fill in the blank), what can you do to remember that we do it the same way on purpose, and we want to keep doing it hat way because (fill in the blank). It helps me so much when you remember, and I know you're just learning this stuff."

   
   

3. Embrace the Power of “And”: You can be compassionate and assertive. You can understand that your partner is under a lot of stress at work and express that their tone in your conversations isn’t okay with you. Using “and” instead of “but” creates space for both realities to coexist without one invalidating the other. It’s a small shift in language, but it can change the entire dynamic of a conversation.

   
   

4. Ground Yourself in Your Intentions: Before you engage, ask yourself what you want the outcome to be. Do you want to feel respected? Understood? Do you want to create a space where the other person can share openly? Do you need to vent and simply be heard? Being clear about your intentions means you can steer the conversation without getting derailed by unexpected emotions, either theirs or yours.

   
   

5. Practice Self-Compassion—Seriously: Look, being human is messy. You’re going to get it wrong sometimes. You might lean too far into empathy and feel drained, or come on too strong and regret it later. That’s part of learning. Self-compassion is about giving yourself grace in those moments. When you practice stratified empathy, you’re peeling back layers of understanding that can be incredibly vulnerable. So, treat yourself with the same patience and kindness you aim to offer others. If you need help in both departments keep tuning into my blog, I've got you.

   
   
   
   

   

   
   

The Role of Boundaries in Stratified Empathy

Boundaries are often misunderstood as rigid barriers that isolate you from others. But think of them more like a cell wall—flexible yet strong, allowing in the nutrients and energy that sustain you while filtering out what could disrupt your balance. With stratified empathy, these boundaries become the structure that upholds your ability to connect deeply with others, without losing yourself in the process.

Research from the Journal of Applied Psychology highlights that maintaining clear personal boundaries is closely tied to greater life satisfaction and lower levels of burnout, especially in high-pressure situations. Knowing where your limits lie allows you to offer empathy without sacrificing your own well-being. It enables you to say, “I hear that you’re struggling, and I want to support you, but I also need to focus on my own workload right now.” It’s the difference between carrying someone else’s burden and walking alongside them, providing support while keeping your foundation strong.

Real-Life Examples of Assertiveness with Stratified Empathy

• At Work: Let’s say your boss is piling extra work onto you without acknowledging your existing load. Instead of absorbing the frustration silently or snapping back, you can approach them with a mix of empathy and clarity: “I understand that this project is critical, and I want to make sure I can give it my best effort. Right now, I’m managing X and Y, and I need to prioritize those to ensure quality. Can we discuss how to balance these deadlines?”

  
  

• In Relationships: If a friend keeps leaning on you during their difficult time but it’s starting to drain your energy, try, “I care so much about what you’re going through, and I want to be here for you. I also need to take some time to recharge so I can support you fully. Can we check in again after the weekend?”

  
  

• With Yourself: Sometimes, we need to apply stratified empathy inward. If you’re beating yourself up over a mistake, try shifting your perspective: “Yes, I could have handled that conversation better and I was doing my best with the tools I had at the time. What can I learn from this for next time? What do I need to do to properly make amends?”

  
  

Why This Matters

When we practice stratified empathy, we’re acknowledging the complexity of being human—both in ourselves and in others. We can't realistically fix every problem or be a constant source of comfort for everyone around us. This practice gives nuance into our interactions, knowing that understanding someone else doesn’t mean agreeing with them, and standing up for ourselves doesn’t mean shutting them down.

I know we can all use more of this kind of balanced, compassionate strength. Imagine how much you can make a difference. Our lives deserve to be enriched by those who choose to listen deeply without losing themselves, and who can stand firm without being rigid. We each have the capacity to navigate the messy, wonderful layers of human experience with open hearts and clear voices.

So, as you go about your day, remember: empathy and assertiveness aren’t opposites—they’re partners. And with a little practice, you can bring them together, making space for others while holding space for yourself.

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Stratified Empathy is the practice of understanding and engaging with others' emotions and experiences through a layered approach, recognizing that empathy is not a uniform response but rather a nuanced one that takes into account the complexities of each person’s background, circumstances, and emotional state. It involves seeing beyond surface-level feelings to understand the deeper systems and dynamics that shape behaviors, all while maintaining a firm sense of one’s own needs and boundaries.

This approach allows for a more balanced form of empathy, where you can offer support and understanding without absorbing the emotional weight of others as your own. It is possible to hold space for others’ experiences while being clear about where your own emotional limits lie, enabling a kind yet grounded interaction. Stratified empathy empowers you to validate others, validate yourself, and thoughtfully assert your needs, making it especially useful in complex social, professional, and personal situations.